Guilt

A few years ago, one of my best friends was caught in an avalanche somewhere north of here. The avalanche was triggered from above – another skier on the slope – and he suffered the onslaught of the avalanche. Deep within the belly of the whale, he pulled the trigger on his avalanche airbag.

He said, “It was like the hand of God pulled me up toward the surface and I survived.”

He’s the only person I know who has had two very different experiences with an airbag. The first decision was as described. The second – he reached for the handle of the airbag – but held off…and fought like hell, pushing the hard slab blocks to the side. He felt that had he pulled the handle, the balloons would have pulled him with the slide and into the bergschrund below. When you pull the handle, in effect, you’re giving in to the ride and the mistake you’ve made. But that’s another story and argument altogether.

In his book The Crossing, Cormac McCarthy writes, “Men spared their lives in great disasters often feel in their deliverance the workings of fate. The hand of Providence…For what he was asked now to reckon with was that he’d been called forth twice out of the ashes, out of the dust and rubble. For what? You must not suppose such elections to be happy ones for they are not.“

Last week he was buried again. Completely. Full burial. He said that he was only frightened for a moment, followed by an understanding and calm that one must only feel when death is at the doorstep. He said that more than anything, he felt Guilt. He thought of his fiancée and unborn child. He thought of his friends and family and the guilt of having let them down. When they pulled him out of the snow, he was not breathing. This was last week. It has taken him days and torturous nights to call his loved ones and friends and tell them “I’m sorry.”

This was not just the third avalanche he has been involved in, either. He must be Unbreakable. I thought about Alex Lowe, Craig Patterson, Terry O'Connor and many others. We loved them all. 

But for now, I look forward to his wedding day. I look forward to watching him raise and tease his own children. And then years later- but not now – him finally passing on into the next life well after the sunset has smoldered into ash.

I feel compelled to share an email I received after sending out last week's Meditation, Shame.  It speaks volumes on how our culture has changed so dramatically in the past 20 years.  
 

Hi Drew!

This article REALLY hits home with me and is so well written. Thank you for bringing this

topic to light. This winter I posted an observation from our accident in Terminal Cancer

Couloir. Writing the observation was hard to do, and I thought I would get completely

shamed by the community. I figured people would ask why we made such dumb decisions

and judge us for being reckless in our choices that day. But the opposite happened. The

community outreach was absolutely amazing. I couldn't believe it! Not one negative

comment from anyone (and there were hundreds of them). I had people from the UT

community reaching out to me saying how much this inspired them to take a step back,

listen to their little voice, how it will save lives in the future. People were grateful for my

honesty. I was so surprised and relieved to know that my writeup was appreciated, because

it was so hard to write honestly about my experiences from that day.
 

I've since learned from that day that everyone deals with trauma differently. Some people

want to talk about it to move on, others want to shove it away and never mention it again.

Is one way right over another? I don't think so. But I do think being accountable for our

mistakes is vitally important to the community we thrive in and will indefinitely help others

in the future. Maybe we put our own fears aside and commit to helping others if we decide

to pursue activities that can put our lives in danger. Maybe this is something that can be

taught in avalanche courses. As a part of the community, we have a responsibility to accept

and support each other even when we make mistakes. I know for me I will continue to

share my experiences because knowing my mistakes and lessons learned can help others is

worth the possibility of being shamed.

See you next week -


Drew